I’ve made a large portion of my major life decisions by flipping a coin. I believe in chance, coincidence, chaos, and contradiction. The less sense I can make of something with my mind and the more nonsensical it is, the more I am inclined to really enjoy that thing or even believe in it. Why? Because as vain and egotistical as I can be (I admit, I think I’m great; I really am), I realize that there is a vast percentage of my life that I am not in immediate control of and that control is largely a modern day illusion. I like chasing interestingness and intelligent conversations. Restless minded. Opinionated. Has perpetual problem against authority.I stop making sense…until i do.Feel free to pick on my brain; these thoughts come with a 30 day money back guarantee. I am fascinated with recursiveness. I love ideas that turn in on themselves in an incestuous pool of repetition with slight variations. It really makes me laugh too often. It’s the reason that I love getting into insanely futile arguments, it’s why I am often an infuriatingly aggressive and argumentative person who will disagree with my friends about the silliest things just to infuriate them.
here I go partII
here I go…
I always dream of creating an open letter to myself. A letter that will always tell me of the do’s and dont’s in life. Yet my life is as broad as the universe..It has been magical yet tragic, as well..It is dramatic and comical but wonderful indeed. It is sometimes half full and sometimes half empty. My life is fluctuating and is way similar to the one who controls it..Unpredictable..I had the best of both worlds..And as i paint my life in its best and worst, i know I’m not even in the middle of my journey. People come and go. Friends aren’t permanent. lovers don’t stay for long. They leave physically yet they own places in my heart. I tend to become bitter at first but sooner I realize, that is life..And I can’t make them stay with me forever. Maybe I just learned what ACCEPTANCE is all about..to do what is best even if it’s against your will..I just make the most out of it while they are with me because you may never know when they will go. So I walk continuously, run if there’s a need to go extra mile, fly even if I know it’s not yet the time to. But I often crawl. I crawl way back to LOVE; way back to my dreams and delightful imaginations; way back to my families; way back to GOD, to myself, to my FOCUS. History repeats itself and every scene of my life is totally unique in its own way. Yet they have one storyline, lesson and struggle for HAPPINESS and CONTENTMENT..I haven’t found it yet but my boat never sinks and it will never loose its direction towards it.. I know i”ll be there with my family someday.. And as I go day and night without knowing which one the moon or the sun is, I sing my heart out-loud in search for that one place that offers nothing but PEACE and SERENITY that my soul is all wishing for..
-anonymous-
THOUGHTS from LOVING I: Reminiscing
This is what life has to offer. The melancholic fragrance of roses wanting to be loved, the swift of the lonely wind, the longing warmth of the sun, and the painful sound of the ocean as it embrace its shore knowing that they cant be together and that gravity will always keep them apart.
i never would have thought that forever would end this very soon. Really easier said than done. I had every shattered pieces of me again trying to put them back together though i know it would take a lot of time. It’s easy to say that you have forgotten what the two of you once shared, but when it cross your mind, im telling you that is one of the hardest part
You’ve been trying very hard to empty your mind with the thoughts of him/her but it aint easy and i understand.
REMINISCING would always find its way to get into your vulnerability. It would always make you dead drop on your knees. It would always find time to shatter you, to break you and to make you cry.
REMINISCING will make you think of the thoughts you never really thought would happen, it will make you think of the thoughts that you never really wanted to forget and to end up just like that. Those hapy thoughts that once in your existence made you feel loved and contented but when everything end up, those thoughts are just meant to be reminisced.
It is reminiscing that makes moving on very hard. it is reminiscing that will make you long for more, ask for some but let you go on with NOTHING
Hindi Naman Ganun Kadali…
hindi naman ganun kadali ang lumimot sa lahat ng mga bagay na pinangarap nyo pareho.
hindi din naman ganun kadali na kalimutan ang bagay na pareho nyong ginagawa at ung mga bagay na ginawa mo lang dahil sa kanya.
hindi ganun kadali na basta mo na lang kalimutan lahat ng masasayang alala nyo nung KAYO pa.
hindi din naman basta na lang kadali ang kalimutan mong naging masaya ka naman talaga nung minahal ka nya kahit nung hindi mo naman inakala na matatapos ung nararamdman nya sayo.
ang love daw parang eksena sa bus. madaming bakanteng upuan. madami kang pagpipilian kung saan ka bang banda uupo pero hinding hindi mo mapipili kung sino ang tatabi sayo. ganun naman talaga eh, lalo na sa pag ibig. kaya mong piliin at panindigan kung sino ang mamahalin mo, pero hindi ang taong kayang magmahal sayo. Hindi mo pwedeng diktahan ang sinuman. Maaring gawin mo ang lahat para sa kanya, pero hindi mo na dapat pang hangarin ang anumang kapalit. Siguro OK n ung maapreciate ka man lang nya.
Sana lang talaga, may may xray vision ung mata nten. para malaman nten kung sino ung laman ng taong mahal tlga nten. Imaginin mo huh, kung may xray vison ka makikita mo ung naklagay sa puso nya kung hindi kayo “PU**^&%& hindi ako para sayo” oh dba mas madali.? hindi kpa nahirapan.. kaso hindi ganun ang nkaplano eh. may mga tao lang talaga na nakatadhana para mahalin tayo, pero sasaktan din naman tayo sa dulo. hindi naman naten hinangad un eh, walang ni isa ang naghangad na masakatan din lang naman pagktapos magmahal. aba ufck! kung ganun lang din naman eh wag nalang. pero inevitable eh. hindi maiiwasan dahil sa napakaraming reason.
***
ilang araw n din ang lumipas.. ilang araw ko na din hinahangad at minimithi na magtext sya sakin at sabihin nya na “tara koi, magsimula tayo ulit”… kaso hindi nangyayari. at hindi na ata (sorry if nega ako dito)… hindi naman cguro mali na umaasa na maayos nyo pa, na mamahalin ka pa nya sa isa pang pagkakataon, hindi naman cguro mali na hindi pa din nagbbgo kung ano ang nararamdman mo sa kanya. cguro ang mali lang is ung MAGEXPECT ka na lahat ng inaasahan mo eh mangyayari. Hindi alam ng kahit n sino man ang nararamdaman mo ngayon, kahit na sabihin mo pang parepareho nyo lang n nadaanan yan. hidni porke’t kaya nilang lampasan eh kaya mo din, hindi porke’t pareho kayong nagmahal eh parehong kwento na yon.
hindi naman sa lahat ng pagkakataon eh may mkakaintindi sayo, kaya ka nilang icomfort… hanggang dun lang yun…. kasi sino ba ang nagdidikta kung kanino ka liligaya… sarili mo lang naman eh…
Left….. Again
Wanting,
needing,
to be held,
to be loved,
to feel warmth,
to feel your beating heart.
Wanting to be sheltered from the cold,
heartless winds.
Falling into invisible arms;
into an abyss of love.
Wishing,
hoping,
that my desires will be filled;
my desires of loving warmth.
Wanting to be held,
comforted,
loved.
Dreaming of passionate embraces,
of tender kisses,
loving words,
romantic nights.
Waiting for undying love.
How do you walk away
from someone you love
And take the road of friend;
Can you reroute the course you have taken
And start over once again?
I don’t really want to let you go
But inside me I know I must;
The times we’ve loved . . . the times you’ve left
My heart says stay . . . but it’s my mind I must trust.
We have shared so much together
Laughter . . . fun times . . . tears;Yet sometimes we can’t turn back time
We must walk away, and allow ourselves to heal.
PAGLIKHA, PAGSIRA, PAGBABAGO
PAGLIKHA
Isang dakilang iskultor
Tanyag na siyentipiko
Isang arkitekto, Isang inhiyero
Pinakinang ang bituin, nililok ang mundo
Sya ang Dakilang Lumikha
Kumalinga at tunay na umaruga
tao’y binigyan ng buhay at pinahiram ng hininga
upang sa bawat likha nya ay may mangalaga
Kapayapaan aking nabatid
sa kapaligirang sagana’t kaibig-ibig
matiwasay, dalisay, puna ng aking paningin
mga bagay sa pailigid kalingahi’t damhin
Masdan ang haring araw sa kanyang pagsilang
lulan ang kanyang sikat na tila baga’y nagyayabang
tangan ang pag asa sa kasisimulang umaga
sa kasarimlan ng mundo sa ati’y pinadarama
Damhin ang sariwang hangin
na sa paghinga mo‘y yumayapos
namnamin at ariin
ang banayad nitong haplos
tunghayan mo ang pagsibol ng dahon sa kagubatan
at ang banig na kulay berdeng nilatag sa kapatagan
ang mga huni ng ibon wari baga’y nagdiriwang
sa payapang paraiso na sa ati’y ipinahiram
ang lahat ng nakikita’y ariin ng salik
ito ang bunga ng wagas nyang PAGIBIG
kaya ang kalikasa’y alagaan at lingapin
sapagkat dito tayo hihiram hanggang huling buhay natin
PAGSIRA
Lumipas ang dekada, bawat tao at buwan
ilang beses na bang nagpalit ang tala sa kalawakan
yumabong ang mundo, marami ang nagbago
maski ang paligid na payapa, ngayon ay nagkagulo
Dumami ang tao, dumami ang mangangalaga
sa kalikasang sa bawat isa’y hindi na banyaga
subalit ang nangyari’y kabaligtaranm nawalan ng pag-asa
hindi na nga tumalima, nilubos pa ang pagsira
Sinira ang kabundukan
mga ibo’y nangawalan ng tirahan
and dating mamatayog na kakahuyan
unti-unting nauubos, sila’y pinagkakakitaan
Nasaan na ang liwanag ng haring araw
na ngayo’y halos binabalot ng maitim na usok
nasaan n a ang malinaw na tubig na sa ilog dumadaloy
ngayo’y pinalitan ng putik na madumi’t nakakasulasok
Putik galing sa makamundong industriya
iniisip ang sarili, hindi ang kapakanan ng iba
ngayong ang hangin ay lubhang madumi na
tumatangis ang kalikasan, ang ating Ina
Ang pag agos ng tubig sa dalampasigan
minsan ang dala’y madumi at patay nang isda
nang dahil sa walang humpay na pagbusabos sa karagatan
maski sa tabing dagat, basura iyong matatagpuan
Hindi mawari ang kalapastanganan
lubos na ang pagluluksa ng INANG KALIKASAN
kailan kikilos, kelan matatauhan
kung kelan bang ang lahat ay bumaik na sa pinagmulan?
PAGBABAGO
Kailan mapagtatantuhan
na ang ginagawa ay sobra pa sa kalabisan
kailan ang bawat isa’y malalaman
na sa bawat kinikilos, tayo din naman ang mawawalan?
Ilang beses nang ang tubig ay rumagasa
kumitil ng buhay, madami ang nangulila
pero datapwa’t ganun man, ganun pa din ang iba
patuloy pa din sa paglustay sa kanyang mga nilikha
Ramdam ko ang paghihimagsik at nangangalit nang kalikasan
sa saliw ng kanyang paghihiganti, walang isang hindi maksabay
ramdam ko din aski ang alburoto ng matayog na haring araw
hindi maitatatwa at lalong hindi maikakaila
Pagbabago! Sinisigaw ng kalikasan
Gising! Bangon! Masdan ang kapaligiran
ilibot ang mata! Ano ang napuna?
gugustuhin mo bang ang kinagisnan mong paraiso ay tuluyan ng mawala?
nagsimula tayo sa wala, kaya lingunin ang pinanggalingan
alagaan ang mga bagay na sa iyo ay pinahiram lamang
tandaan na anag lahat ay pwedeng magbago
simple lamang naman ang hinihingi, isang PAGBABAGO
Letting Go
i was too down
im in the brim of giving up
seems like i have no one to talk to
i have no one in my back.
no one to push me through.
I couldn’t ignore the pain any longer
Life was just too much
I never saw my life in future times
Or happiness and love and such
I’d been to the edge with the intent to jump
And had become happy with thoughts of no pain
Feeling my uselessness as an inherited curse
I had nothing left to gain
The sun failed to shine
In my world overcast
Birds no longer sang
And the first had become the last
All things good and whole
Had turned and went their way
They were never to return to me
So I felt I should just go away
Consumption by hate, to save was too late
Where should I turn now?
Why do I get kicked when I’m down?
When could I be happy? Or even better, how?
Fallen and fatal
I will return to the dirt
Bittersweet battle within
No longer would I hurt
Smiles soon faded
And hearts followed to break
As I cried out for help
I cried in heaven’s sake
Routinely I cried
For a hand to reach to me
I looked blankly at emptiness’ stare
And closed my eyes reluctantly
But I felt one more fight, a chance in me
To save myself from isolation
Piercing my lips were words of insignificance
And the end to my frustration
As time’s hands moved on and on
Together, as one, we grew
Now solitary routine you seek
You seek you never knew
Tired of times we spend together
Tired of me you grow
Tired of being tired in time
No feelings will you show
But in time as your thoughts are even
Will I be thought of only as your pawn
And will you be happy or sad
When I’m finally gone?
I Learned to Love Again (after 7 months)
WARNING: This is another EMO post =)
Love is not about who stayed for the longest time. it is about who came and never left.
It is not about what other people say, it is about standing and facing every ODDS
It is not about who you loved in the past but who you are with today that you wanted to be with you FOREVER and always.
For seven months, people just come and go. They just made me feel important but eventually left me hanging on. I was afraid and even scared to death every time i talk to someone whom i could get along well with. “In every action, there is always an opposite reaction”. Sometimes i reflect and talk to myself. Maybe i will never be like that if they didnt make me feel that way. But I am too presumptive, too assuming as i could say. That’s the reason why maybe i couldnt blame them. maybe if i just could, i will. And that’s the main reason why I hid beneath my comfort blanket. “Im weakened by experience yet strengthened by PAIN”
For seven months. i numbed myself (by choice). I decided to just get acquainted with people but wont feel anything special (after what i have gone through). I decided to just made myself available to someone without strings attached.
I focused more on my studies. I made myself busy. Read a lot of books. Went out with FRIENDS being bothered by the presence of their partners and all that i could think during those times was “when will i have one”. I even said to myself “I will make you as the most BELOVED person, me as your boyfriend will not hurt you. I will always stick with what i say. I will never LEAVE you. I will make you PROUD. I will always find a way to make you SMILE. I will always be LOYAL as ever. I have been searching and waiting for you. When will you come?”.
There are just so many words But I can’t find one that’s perfectly true. I have said lots of I love yous Have given lots of kisses and hugs. I have given my all. But still those are just not enough. Because at the end of the day, im always left behind. And its sucks!
Then one day, just out of boredom i went to check my accounts then i read this thing about CLAN. I was at first hesitant but then i made up my mind. When i joined i was only thinking of making friends and having someone to talk to coz my life is getting even boring even if i am busy with school. After being so tough with myself , my heart is not prepared enough when it fell for someone on that very awkward day (awkward in a nice way). . As to medical term i suffered tachycardia, diaphoresis, trembling and shaking hands (or did not)/ i was staring at KOI that whole time and it mad me feel sad when KOI went home =(( When i went home, after seeing Koi , i just cant get the thoughts of Koi off my head. Then the rest was history.
i finally learned to love again for such a long time.
i finally learned how to risk my emotions again
i finally have learned to set my mind with happy thoughts everytime im with koi
i finally learned how to appreciate things again
i learned how to understand, to get over with past, to seize every time we had and treasure them.
i HAVE the courage to share this with you guys coz i am proud of my KOI. Blogging is one of my way of sharing thoughts of how happy and contented i am with my life right now. and so I am doing this.
Some things might not be meant together for the longest time, but with two hearts making everything defying every odds, some things will never be impossible.
You’re the only one I desire
You’re the only one in my heart
Through good and bad times Nothing can keep us apart.
To my one and only love That no one will ever compare
Take this simple vow Let this be my devotion forever. I love you and I will never leave you
No matter what happens I’ll always be true
Though times may be rough and days may be tough
I’ll stick with you through and through until the next life…
The sound of your heartbeat
All through the night
We fall asleep in each other’s arms
And wake to the morning light.I look into your eyes
And this is when
I say “Thank You”
For teaching me to love again.
THIS IS HOW I VALUE KOI, HOW DO YOU VALUE YOURS?
- two HEARTS that beat as ONE
FOR GOODNESS SAKE
hep hep hooray! (idk if i spelled that one right 
)
Finally after a month of being such a dormant blogger, here i go again, summoned by the spirits waking me up in the middle of the night whispering “hey you kiddo, get up there and make that pen of yours works. =)” HiHi. well anyways, i was just wondering how the hell on earth does my blog still had visitors during those “dead days”
I really miss this blog coz since it became a part of my “emo days”.I miss writing all my sentiments, my aspirations and even those shitty naughty imagination (haha just kidding. i dont have any) but then again i just wanna say sorry to my fellow bloggers who cant seem to find any new posts here in my blog ^_^ its just that i am very much busy with school and stuffs (and with my KOI ^_^)
As I always say, here in my blog I am the ruler, I am the master. My words are my soldiers to the battle field and every letters are their swords (just imagine how powerful they are). Here is where my thoughts overpower everything, they guard my inner self and vulnerability. Here is where i shout in silence and it is the only place on earth where big problems weigh only like a feather.
For a month of silence and almost month of nothingness my hungry soul of thought wanted to be free, and so im doing it now.
I just noticed lately that i have been stressing myself and ive been pushing myself to my limits. It even get to a point that we didn’t sleep for 3 days then next day was our oral defense. haha.
So going back to the blog LIFE. I consider my BLOG as my bestfriend. For my stay here in BLOGOSPHERE, i am always this “emo-turned-blogger”. I always cry here, i poured my problems here. i was just thinking if my BLOG is an absorbent foam, it might be very huge now. hihi ^_^
LEMME just welcome myself back again. Welcome LEIpot. Do Good. =)
(such a nice way to start my blog career again)
HIBANG NA SI LEI
Lahat ng tao ay may tinatagong kanya-kanyang kahibangan kaya malamanag sa malamang ay hindi ko alam kung ang taong nagbabasa nito ngayon ay matino ba oh hindi hibang. Lahat ng kahibangan ay nakakatawa pero hindi lahat ng nakakatawa ay kahibangan. Minsan ang iniisip mong kaseryosohan ay kahibangan na pala.
Pero may mga mahibangan naman na dahil sa paulit-ulit na lang ay tanggap na sa lipunan. Halimbawa: tatawid sa hindi dapat tawiran. Naalala ko nung isang beses kasama ko lola ko pumunta kami sa robinson’s galleria tapos deretso kami sa sanjuan (di ko maalala ung karugtong ng green… basta yung bilihan dun ng murang kaek-ekan). At dahil kasama ko ang lola kong bagets, akala ko matino ang lahat ng gagawin namen. Aba naman dyusko, ang lola ko pa ang prumotor tumawid kami sa harapan ng “Walang Tawiran, Nakamamatay“. Halos manginig ang buong kalamnan ko habang papatawid kami pero ang lola ko kewl n kewl habang ngumunguya ng chewing gum. Aguy!
Eto pa ung iba sa mga alam kong mga kahibangan na halos lahat ay pinagdaanan at hibang ka kung hindi mo to dinaanan,
hibang ka kung hindi ka nautusan na magbura ng pisara ng iyong maestra.
hibang ka kung hindi ka kumanta sa harap electric fan na umaandar hibang ka kung nung bumaldog ka ay hindi ka nasabihan na kasama yun sa paglaki mo
hibang ka kung hindi ka ipinagpag patiwarik nung nakalunok ka ng candy
hibang ka kung hindi mo sinulatan ang lahat ng piraso ng papel dahil sa angking kadamutan mo hibang ka kung hindi ka nagpanggap na tulog nung pinapatulog ka at lalong hibang ka kung hindi ka umarteng kakagisng mo lang nung dumating ang bantay mo madame pa yan,
hndi ko lang maisatitik ang lahat ng naiisip ko ngayon sobra kasi sa init eh.
Bago tayo dumako sa mga kahibangan ko, dako muna tayo sa kahibangan ng kaibigan ko.
Tahimik lang kami nun habang yung iba sa barkadahan eh sryosong naguusa tungol dun sa chismis na kumakalat. Ok na sana eh kasi senti n yung involved kaso ng biglang nagsalita ung isa kong bestfriend “ganun tlaga noh? May pakpak ang balita, my tenga ang PADER“ ay shet! Nasira ung moment! Kala nmen sadya, seryoso pala sya. =)
Punta tayo sa sarili kong kahibangan Isang magandang umaga nun. Payapa at banayad ang galaw ng lahat. Nagpasya akong magtungo sa MOA. Syempre kelangan eh nakaporma. Nakasuot ako ng polo shirt. Skinny jeans at chuck taylor. Umaalingasaw daw ang kabanguhan ko nun sabi ng tita ko. Haha, sumakay ako ng aircon na bus kasi syempre ayoko nmang masira ang porma ko. Pagsakay ko ng bus eto ang eksena
KONDOKTOR: san to?
LEI: sa MOA po
KONDOKTOR: (nagbibilang ng sukli)
LEI: estudyante yan kuya huh (mejo maangas nakaporma kasi)
KONDOKTOR: linggo ngayon tsong!
LEI: (shet sayang ang porma. I need to redeem myself, ang ganda ng katabi ko eh) alam ko! Sinabe ko lang naman n estudyane ako huh! (kelangan mag English wattsss,, hhmmmm watchrong waahhh) whats wrong with that? (tagalog na lang ulit) may masama b sa pagiging estudyante (wheeww)
KONDOKTOR: sinabe ko lang din naman na Linggo ngayon ah, may masama ba sa pagsabi ng kung anong araw ngayon? Nahihibang ka ba? Defensive ah (sinabe un ng manong! Tandang tanda ko un!)
MISS BYUTIPUL: manong sa tabi lang po
Huhuhu sumagot pa kasi ako at bakit kasi sumagot pa yung kondoktor n yun. sana lamunin ako ng upuan ko para matapos na ung kahihiyan. Ayun gumawa pa ko ng eksena sa bus! Ayan. Nakakahiya mang aminin pero nangyari tlga ang khibnngan n yan! Bwahahaha
